Musing, Missing

It is nearly midnight.  The alarm sounds in just 3.5 hours.  I cannot sleep.  Excitement, yes.  But something more.  As I laid in bed, my mind started going.  The last time I traveled out of the country, it was in 2003.  I was catching an early morning flight to Minneapolis.  There my mom, sisters and I would travel to Holland.  It was my mom's dream.  For 8 days, we laughed and shopped and admired tulips.  We visited the town where my ancestors were born and raised.  It was truly amazing. 

Tomorrow, I travel again.  It is an early morning flight.  This time to Paris.  Never a dream to visit, but the opportunity arose and we grasped it with both hands.  It will be amazing.  But it will be different.  I will see it with my husband this time.  An experience we will share for the rest of our life together. 

Yet, inside, I miss my mom.  I am sentimental, sometimes overly so.  It feels strange to be doing this without her .  Not that she would go, but that she would revel in my opportunity.  She would want to hear every detail, see every photo.  She would travel through me.  I cannot share this with her.  Yet she still goes.  She travels within me.  The piece of her that is me will see every raindrop as part of a rainbow, view every brush stroke as a masterpiece, note every detail as the part of a greater plan.  That comforts me.  She is me and I am her.  And together we travel this world.  Enjoy Paris, Mom.  I know I will.

Official Race Pictures

Really I wasn't planning on purchasing the pictures from the Portland Marathon this year.  But when I looked at them, I had to get them.  The pouring rain and the smile on my face throughout made it important. 



The start.  More garbage bags were destroyed for this than in a week in all of Oregon...



The drums are just after the start.  It is the best entertainment and gets the adrenaline pumping even more!

 

The St John's Bridge at mile 17 is a highlight of the race.  The only unfortunate part is the hill to get to it.

My friend, Liz, saw me at mile 20 and ran about a mile with me.  It was awesome to have a runner that knew exactly what to say for encouragement!  I don't think she ever runs as slow as that mile.  She has a 3:17 marathon and is registered for Boston 2011!

Ctossing the Broadway Bri8dge is the sign that you are getting close!

Coming to the finish!

I love this shot!  Big smile, flying feet!  And when full size, my Garmin has my official time on it--04:34:56.  Not my fastest marathon, but a great one with comraderie and fun.



 

Portland Marathon 2010 Finisher!  It was quite an experience to run 26.2 miles in the rain!

Psalm 51

For the choir director: A psalm of David, regarding the time Nathan the prophet came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgment against me is just.
5 For I was born a sinner—
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb,
teaching me wisdom even there.
7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that my mouth may praise you.
16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
18 Look with favor on Zion and help her;
rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—
with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings.
Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

I had the honor of supporting a family this week while their mom left this world.  It was one of the sweetest experiences.  When I called, there was no hesitation.  Within minutes all had arrived to be with their mom.  The next few hours were filled with sharing, singing hymns and reading scripture.  This passage was one of those read.  The mom passed early in the morning with her daughters surrounding her.  They will miss her deeply, but they have hope.  The hope that she is in the arms of God.  The hope that they shall be with her again.  That is the greatest blessing in life.

Friday 5

A warm puppy sleeping on my lap

An unexpectedly sunny day

A walk with my best friend

Dinner with family that are also friends

Hope. "While we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ." Titus 2:13

This is getting ridiculous...

Finally, at 3 this afternoon, I got my running clothes on to head out for an easy 6.  I check in on my new resident to get her anything she needs before I leave.  We take care of things.  Then she feels queasy.  Suddenly it is more than queasy.  Oh, boy.  I kick into high gear and kick off my shoes.  It is going to be awhile before I can leave.  After putting off running all day.  After not feeling the desire to run.  Now I am desperate to get out there on a beautiful fall day.  And I can't.  Sigh.

I am struggling to get back the desire to run.  My last marathons have left me wanting more.  I wanted to get out and run immediately.  I had to make myself wait until my soreness was gone.  This time, I can hardly get myself off the sofa much less out the door.  I have a schedule on the fridge.  I have a race planned in December with a friend.  I am looking forward to running some Pikermis and getting some serious PRs.  Yet there is a huge limit to my motivation.  Sigh.  Maybe I should have some ice cream.  Double sigh.

I Ran--Finally

I ran tonight.  It was the first time since the marathon.  I don't run until my soreness is gone.  And that was on Saturday, but then life got really busy.  So the planned runs over the weekend didn't materialize.  Today I had a hard time getting myself out the door.  It wasn't until after 5 that I got my rear in gear and headed out.  I just went out the door and ran.  I had no plan of where and how long.  Just run to remember how much I love it.  Running did not let me down.  My fresh legs carried me quickly down the path.  The sky was beautiful.  The colors were amazing.  So often in the PNW the rain drops leaves before we really enjoy the colors.  This year the cool, clear weather--other than for the marathon--has allowed us to revel in the golds and oranges.  An easy run became a bit of a tempo as my enthusiasm grew.  My love of running returned with each footfall. 

Psalm 1

1 Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers.

2 But they delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night.

3 They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season.  Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do.

4 But not the wicked!  They are like worthless chaff, scattered by the wind.

5 They will be condemned at the time of judgment.  Sinners will have no place among the godly.

6 For the Lord watches over the path of the godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction.

This is one of the passages I remember most from school.  I can still quote it in the King James version.  I think about it often.  When I have trouble sleeping, I quote it.  When a run gets tough, I repeat it.  The second verse reminds me of why I do this--to delight in God's word.  It is a great word--delight.  A high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture.  Incredible!   I wish I truly delighted in God's word so I would want it to be at the forefront of my mind day and night.  Maybe someday...

Friday 5

Sunny, fall weather.  I love the cool sunny days of fall!

Fast move-ins.  I got a call this afternoon for an assessment and the resident moves in tomorrow morning.  Ahhhh!  I love being the one to make the decision!

No curb showers.  You may not understand, but these make my job so much easier!  I love my remodeled bathroom.  I love that I can move a wheelchair into the shower for transfers.

Wifi.  I sit on my sofa and blog.  'Nuff said!

Jeff's French Toast!  Jeff made french toast for lunch today.  Thick slices of bread with swirls of maple and powdered sugar.  And, of course, nice, crisp bacon! 

I am a Violet

I am a Violet What Flower Are You?

"You have a shy personality. You tend to hesitate before trying new things or meeting new people. But once people get to know you, you open up and show the world what you are really all about."

Seven Things

I have been tagged.  I hereby agree to accept the tag and list 7 things about myself that you may or may not know. 

Here's the rules:
1. Thanks and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award to other bloggers.

Thank you, ERG, for caring enough to tag me.  Tears flood my eyes as I count my blessing at the tag.  Okay, whatever, moving on...  (Sorry, sarcasm is genetic and I got a double dose.  Really I don't mind the tag...)

1. I am a Christian.  I believe in the Trinity and that God sent his son, Jesus, to live on this earth and die in my place so that I may live with him one day.  I confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord.  I believe that, when Jesus returned to God's right hand, God sent his Holy Spirit to live within everyone who believes in him.  I believe that one day Christ will return and take those that believe to Heaven to live with him.  I believe in God's amazing grace and mercy.  I believe that anyone who believes in their heart and confesses with their mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord is forgiven. 
2. I am blessed with an amazing family.  My mother was my hero.  My dad truly cared and could do anything. As the 6th of 7 children, I always had someone to tease or with whom to fight.  And I did both often.  Today, I know that I can count on my siblings for anything!
3. I am married to my best friend for 23 years.  Most of those years have been happy.  Some were so-so and a couple were really tough.  But we said, "I do."  When we made that promise to each other, we knew that there was not another option.  Although we joke about having enough life insurance so if one of us knocks the other off we can move to someplace warm and tropical.  Such is our life of laughter!
4. I have struggled with depression for years.  Low level depression started before I was a teenager.  It continued to get worse until I was in my late 20s.  Then I hit bottom, I no longer cared if suicide was moral or not.  I wanted an out.  I wanted it to look like an accident so no one would know.  My husband and my mom saved my life.  They found a way to help me.  I owe my husband my life for making that phone call.  There remain some ups and downs, but nothing like before.
5. In school, I hated math.  I didn't get it.  Everytime I opened my math book, I would have a little panic attack.  Now I love stats and most numbers--except paying bills, but that is another story entirely!  I keep every running stat--every mile, every split, every route. 
6. I love my job and love being self employed.  However, I would rather be living in a yurt on a beach in Hawaii with nothing to worry about but running, swimming and sun bathing.  Guess that isn't too much different than most people...
7. Although most of these are serious, I am not terribly serious.  I love laughing and joking.  I love sarcasm.  I love my husband's dry humor.  I don't love the Three Stooges.