Today, as I was reading other posts and the comments, I came across a comment that had a great anger directed toward those who abuse young children. This made me think about aome things that happened to me many years ago. I have been writing about it with the thoughts of sharing my struggle with sexual abuse to help others. I had thought about posting some of my feelings, but today I decided it was time. I do not say who the abuser was, but it was not a family member and he has been dead for several years. Anyway, here goes with some of my first memories.
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My memory is vague, but the feelings I associate with them are not.
The house was never quiet, certainly not at my bedtime, being one of the youngest in the group. Yet I do not recall specific noises. I remember an ebb and flow of noise, like the surf coming in and going out.
We were in the bathroom. I was old enough to care for my own needs and independent enough to want to do so. But he said he should help, so I let him, after all he was older and if he said it was so then it must be. He reached his hand down with the toilet tissue and wiped me after I had urinated. I felt strange about it. No one else did that for me anymore, mama didn’t even come into the bathroom with me unless I asked her to. I looked at him and wondered why, but did not vocalize my thoughts. After all, adults know best. He just smiled and said it was okay. He was sure I could do it myself since I was a big girl, but he just wanted to help.
I left him then and went on to bed. I curled up under the blanket and held Teddy close to me. I really did not want him to come in and say good night, but he came anyway and sat on the edge of the bed. I stayed as still as I could. Maybe he would think I was asleep and leave me be, maybe he would understand that he made me feel funny. He stayed for a time; it seemed like hours, although it was probably only a few minutes. Finally he was gone. And I slept.
The house was never quiet, certainly not at my bedtime, being one of the youngest in the group. Yet I do not recall specific noises. I remember an ebb and flow of noise, like the surf coming in and going out.
We were in the bathroom. I was old enough to care for my own needs and independent enough to want to do so. But he said he should help, so I let him, after all he was older and if he said it was so then it must be. He reached his hand down with the toilet tissue and wiped me after I had urinated. I felt strange about it. No one else did that for me anymore, mama didn’t even come into the bathroom with me unless I asked her to. I looked at him and wondered why, but did not vocalize my thoughts. After all, adults know best. He just smiled and said it was okay. He was sure I could do it myself since I was a big girl, but he just wanted to help.
I left him then and went on to bed. I curled up under the blanket and held Teddy close to me. I really did not want him to come in and say good night, but he came anyway and sat on the edge of the bed. I stayed as still as I could. Maybe he would think I was asleep and leave me be, maybe he would understand that he made me feel funny. He stayed for a time; it seemed like hours, although it was probably only a few minutes. Finally he was gone. And I slept.
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This was the beginning. It is a time when the pedophile "grooms" a future victim. He prepares the child for the day when he crosses the line into direct abuse.
10 comments:
I am so sorry for your pain and the abuse you suffered. I had a very minor incident happen when I was young. My biggest fear for my girls is that they would be a victim of sexual abuse. I am very guarded about the men they are allowed to be around as a result.
I have absolutely no tolerance for such beasts. I have watched over my kids like a hawk and have made their envrinment safe, I think. Thanks for sharing.
I'm so sorry for you - that breaks my heart. I cannot fathom what makes a person do that to an innocent, trusting child. My heart is crying for you....
JGF my heart breaks for you and I am so sorry you have had to live with this. I am a victim too, and now I am an advocate for tougher laws to protect our children. I know you are new to visiting my site, but I do feature ever so often maps with links for everyone to write their governors. I also report on sex predators and news in many of my posts. On my sidebar, you will find links for our officials and representatives to write to along with other links concerning children of abuse and the missing.
I feel due to different abuses (sexual, physical and emotional) I experienced as a child and adult, that MAY be huge part of the reason I never re-married. For over 20 years, I have been a single Mom and I protected my children from all offenders or predators. There was always a fear of me being blinded by someone that might take advantage of my babies and I could not let that happen. Now they are grown and I praise God for taking care of us.
I pray for you and your struggles with this. It took great courage to write this post. May God be with you. I’m praying for you.
Thank you for the kind responses.
I really didn't post this for sympathy. It is just something that happened that should never happen to any child. During the last 10 years, I have worked through my anger and hurt. Now the characteristics that I have due to the effects of the abuse are an integral part of me. I will wonder who I would be had it not happened. Yet, I know some of my strength comes from what I have been through. And I am grateful for that strength, even if I am not thankful for what brought it about.
JGF, I never read about this stuff because of something that happened when I was still married. My mother-in-law fostered kids.
One Christmas Eve the cops brought a two year old girl to be taken care of because her parents had been thrown in jail. This tiny baby was diagnosed schizophrenic because her father had been molesting her. She was rigid with fear, could not cry, could never relax and was almost like a dead thing. I was filled with rage and wanted to kill the father with my bare hands.
Since that day, as soon as I see any mention of it, I skip it, but this time I read it because it was your story and I'm sorry I did read it. I can see that you have survived and forgiven but I'm not a good Christian and it made me angry. I don't read about it because I don't like being filled with anger and hatred.
I can understand Patrick's feelings on this.
I, like you, suffered abuse and it involves my earliest memories all the way to me leaving home at 18. I learned to deal with it years ago, but it's always there like a vicious little animal, lurking somewhere in the depths of my brain. I don't think I will ever be able to completely forgive the perpetrator, my own father.
Child abuse in any form is a horrible betrayal of trust. Children so want to love their family members. I congratulate you on being able to write about it. I cannot because it would just bring all the bad stuff back fresh and new. A reference once-in-awhile, like here on your blog, is about all I can take.
Blessings!
Thank you for sharing this very personal story. These stories need to be told, so that we and our children know how careful we must be, so we know how the grooming process work and that perpetrators often seem to be wonderful, upstanding people who are great with kids. I've run across a few of these monsters in my time, and you never would have known. God bless you.
I knew posting this would cause strong emotions. And I believe it should, due to the consequences of such an act.
Another bittersweet post. I hate that you had to endure such pain, but the fact that you could work through it and reach out to others is a great testimony to Him who cares for you more than anyone.
This post and the comments makes me cry.
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