Sunday, March 03, 2013

Veni, Vidi, Vici

I came, I saw, I conquered.  

It is 4:30 am the day after the Phoenix marathon.  I slept great for 6 hours and now my mind is racing.  So much to work out in my mind.  Last evening I met up with the PRS Fit team again.  I told Coach Jeff that I was disappointed--good, but still disappointed.  

I am not disappointed with me or the race I finished.  I am disappointed that not everything came together perfectly.  I am disappointed that even though everything within my control was smooth, there were things beyond my control.  

I have never had the epiphany people talk about after running a marathon. I never had the light dawn after my first that suddenly realizing I could do anything. Even this time there was no real enlightening.  I have never doubted I could finish the distance.  I only wondered how quickly I could do so.  

When I had a severe asthma attack at mile 8, I knew my time goals were shot.  I lost a couple of minutes at the side of the road.  That may not seem like much, but when you are pushing you limit for 26.2 miles, it is a lifetime.  I still thought I would  just use my inhaler, keep on running and a PR was waiting for me at the finish line.  By mile 10, that had slipped away, too.  I was working too hard holding 10:00 pace, much less holding a 9:30 for that PR.  

I know I am strong.  I know I am determined stubborn.  I know that I will do whatever I can to finish.  Yet I didn't realize how optimistic I can be.  It hurt to let it go.  Yet I just kept telling myself, "It is what it is. Let it all go.  Do what you can with what you have." The quote from Winston Churchill kept coming to mind.  "Never, never, never give up."  I cannot tell you how many times I repeated that in my head, out loud and any other way I needed. I told myself run when I could and walk when I had to.  I made myself walk no strolling.  However, I was moving it was the fastest I could move.  When I saw Dad, Loretta and Jeff, I told them I was good.  And it was the truth. I was good.  I started giving high fives to all the kids along the course.  I smiled and talked to other runners.  I had fun.  

Truly the hardest part of this was knowing everything I struggled with in past marathons were not issues.  My body was strong with no real pain.  I had some nausea, but no real issues.  And my brain never, never, never gave up. My asthma had never been an issue.  It came out of nowhere and knocked me down.  Yet I conquered it.  Not in the way I would like, but I did not let it stop me. 

Please pardon my rambling. I just needed the catharsis of writing this morning.  So many emotions running through my mind.  When I get home and pull up my splits, I will do an actual race report.  For now, it is just processing the emotions of a tough, tough race.  


Paula Kiger said...

Thank you for sharing your catharsis writing!! It was so cool seeing all the PRS athletes work through the marathon (and half) yesterday. I know there's nothing I can say about the things that didn't go the way you wanted. But know that you have supporters out here, and teammates who are SO proud to be on the team w/you!

Anonymous said...

Great job!!! You finished and that is the most important thing girlie!!! Oh... and you are not rambling :) Thank you for sharing! <3

Raina said...

Congratulations on finishing the distance, again (!)- and battling the asthma along the way. I had an epiphany of sorts after my first marathon, but not so much since. I can relate to the desire to have that feeling though- or revelation- or whatever it is.
There is a lot to process in a marathon. I hope you can find the joy in knowing how strong a woman you are for racing it!