Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me

Deep, dark depression, excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all
Gloom, despair, and agony on me

Depression the deep dark hole that I fall into from time to time.  Sinking into the hole with little hope of escaping.  The darkness is overwhelming and suffocates the motivation from the marrow of my bones.  Life is in shades of gray.  The longer I am in the hole the more I want to stay there.  It is easier to remain buried than to try to dig out. 

Poking holes in the darkness takes more effort than I can manage.  I need help.  Yet the darkness is so suffocating I cannot speak.  Other times the darkness comes so slowly that I don't even realize I am surrounded until the bottom of the pit is at my feet.  Tears wait, but cannot be shed due to the sheer effort that would take.  Weak moments of joy break the darkness, but cannot be held onto. 

Breathing in and out.  That is all I can manage at this moment.  Sheer willpower causes my feet to move.  Knowing tasks must be done is the only pull at my psyche.  I will survive.  One day soon, the effort to poke holes in the darkness will be there.  I will grasp at the walls of my hole and pull myself up.  Light will return and the gray will turn to the colors of the rainbow. 

This hope is my salvation.  Until then, I will breathe in and out.  One day that breath will give me the strength to reach up.  I know that when I reach up, there will be a hand to grasp.  I will hold on with every ounce of strength as the hand will not let me go. 


Jess @ Blonde Ponytail said...

Thinking of you and praying for you Juanita. Do you have someone to talk to?

Small Town Runner said...

I am praying for you too! It can be overwhelming sometimes. You are a good friend and sister-in-christ!

juanitagf said...

I do. Hubby is great about helping me. He has been here before. Thanks for the prayers. They help more than anything!

Small Town Runner said...

glad you are doing better, J. ((hugs))

Nicole Wagner Makeup said...

Juanita, I have gone through this dark dark dark depression as well. I had REALLY bad post pardom with both my girls. and I know no one can say anything to make it go away..it is just a waiting game...a fighting game. Know that the Lord LOVES YOU. He knows you by name and He is AWARE of your struggle. keep calling to Him for help. it WILL come. I will say a special prayer tonight for you that a feeling of peace will come to you.

NattyBumpo said...

Just holler if you need anything. I'm but a short way away. I'm not planning anything on Friday morning. Perhaps we can get that run in?

Amanda@runninghood said...

Oh Juanita, I just read this...so behind. praying for you and hoping you are feeling better today. Lots of love and prayers your way!

Stacie said...

Glad you have a great hubby. I feel like I could have written this post. Thank goodness for running and my family. I look forward to meeting you tomorrow.